Why I am a bad blogger

In reading many other blogs in the last few years, I’ve decided that I’m not a very good blogger, at least not very authentic. What I do seems like real blogging, but it isn’t really. What’s more, I don’t intend to do anything to remedy this, for better or for worse. Following is a Top Ten list containing eight sins of omission detailing why I am a bad blogger, in case you didn’t notice or maybe you thought "He's not a very good blogger", but couldn’t quite put your finger on the concrete evidence. They are in no particular order, at least none that I know of.

1. No stated commenting policy. A lot of the big-time bloggers have these. They say things like “Don’t use threatening language toward other commenters or their expensive pets.” Or things like that. I suppose if I had a policy it would read something like “Not responsible for suicides. Please bring your own ropes and petards.”

2. Not enough posts beginning with the word “so”. Maybe I'm being picky here, but it sounds unnatural when I read it and hear it in my head. However I've noticed that this is a common way for real bloggers to start a post or even every paragraph. Example: “So my wife and I went to a nightclub the other night.... (next paragraph) So it turned out that the main act had been canceled due to severe diarrhea, so we had this big dramatic discussion about what we should do.... (next paragraph) So we finally decided to go drink a six-pack in one of the city parks and then go squirrel-flailing...." I don't know; maybe this style sounds perfectly fine to most people.

3. No apologies for not blogging. I seem to be obsessed with the notion that my readers were never charged for the pleasure of reading my work, rather than feeling the immense burden of producing content for the masses of addicts I’ve created.

4. No “true confessions”. Example: “We really did want to kill the entire litter of kittens painlessly, and at first drowning seemed like it was out of the question....” I've always been of the mind that these touching moments are best saved for family reunions where drinking and hugging can heighten the effect of catharsis. But real bloggers far and wide have obviously taken a “why wait” point of view, and just let it all hang out on their blogs as a routine.

5. Lack of misspellings. Just as rabbits produce their trademark pellets, I've noticed that real bloggers leave beaucoup misspellings in their wake. But I use a spell checker, plus I try to read my posts before publishing. I use all the tricks we learned in school, too; if you're amazed that I spelled diarrhea correctly above, I always remember “Two R's for Really Runny”.

6. No announcements of vacations or other times when I won't be home. This annoying omission makes it very hard for net-savvy criminals to loot my residence. I suppose if I ever decide to initiate this dubious practice that I should also announce where the gun traps are.

7. Shortage of one word sentences. I think the medical term for this common blogging tendency would be perioditis. But unlike real bloggers, I haven't indulged in it that much. My guess is that it is sort of like eating potato chips—it easily becomes addictive. Period. End. Of. Story. See?

8. Top ten list only has eight entries in it. Yes, I can count. I'm just done. Call it a top eight list if you must, Mr. Beancounter. I'm simply not a big fan of lists; you can rejoice that you'll never read something like "25 Things You Will Soon Wish I Hadn't Shared About Myself" on my blog, yet another mark of my blogging inauthenticity and maladroitness on these here internets.

These are all very general reasons, but I have future plans to give examples from really good bloggers to support my thesis of how bad I am. I will only accomplish this if my extreme laziness is permitting and my record of following through on promises improves dramatically.