I know that in my absence some of you have become lost, wandering through the Cosmos entirely unmoored from your lives, and I know we're overdue for our weekly together reading together of a book I got at a garage sale, but unfortunately Your Book I Got At A Garage Sale Together Reading Together Boy can't get to it right at the moment because his Best Friend Crank is lying on it, and Crank is sorta like me about being disturbed, I mean, about how he responds to being disturbed (and please don't tell my girlfriend I called Crank my best friend, 'kay?).
So, anyway, here's what I've been thinking. Instead of trying to write regular blog posts, and instead of building a marketing campaign for my proposed book on certain multi-level marketing opportunities in newly emerging nations by together reading together a book I got at a garage sale, and instead of another idea I had, riding into a small, broken down Southern town like the Man from Bodie in "Welcome to Hard Times" and hijacking a couple of streets and their local charity to build Keithland, I though I might just totally cut to the chase and (drum roll, please)...
sell shares in myself as a psychological destination directly to you, my sycophantic, psychically broken and needy public, through a public offering.
Huh? Huh?
I'm thinking initially 500,000 shares at the low, low intital price of $99.95 (so as not to alarm people into thinking $100). Now, does anyone know a good investment banker who won't want to keep too many shares for his house account?
Here's the way it would work. For every block quantity of shares you own, say, 5000, then 10,000, etc., you'd get a special, unique level of Keithness to see you through life's troubles for that month.
Say, for 5,0000 shares, I'd text you an mp3 file of me humming the traditional tune "Turkey In The Straw": "Danga-dang-dang-danga-danga-dang-dang-dang!" Huh? Huh? That'll last a month, now, won't it.
Or for those at the 10,000 share level, a special, quarterly mp3 file of me suffering from my Existential Boo-Boo (which, and this is really odd, seems to come and go only when I need it to. Figure that one out.), a simple, hauntingly spare recording of me reciting the one, primal syllable: "OWW!!!", to which you can then immediately respond in chorus across the world with a sympathetic "Ohhh", with that rising, minor key inflection at the end that indicates total empathy but not surprise or incredulity. You might want to practice that one.
M!%(*&!! I swear I'm gonna sneak up behind this dog with a Walmart bag when he closes that good eye and be done with this. Now that's gonna need stitches (see, here's a good time to practice, "Ohhh". There ya go.).
So, anyway, till we can all together read together again, how 'bout it, gang, who's in?
you have a rich life,Keith – wonderful story and wonderful dog (my dog is pissing on the floor next to my chair now)
ReplyDeleteDude, it's like me and Rod could be twins, y'know? But I think Crank would probably eat Fluffy for lunch.
DeleteKeith
OK, what's with the LEATHER chair? Since when is it CRUNCHY to butcher cows or steers or whatever the heck they are just so you can have a rich, supple, buttery-soft, executive-grade, show-offy armchair??
Delete"you have a rich life" is rich
ReplyDeleteI guess it was only a matter of time before he slipped into mawkish animal sentimentalia.
Actually, that makes him seem almost human. To me, at least. But then, I'm a dog fanatic, so it's like deep calling to deep, so to speak.
DeleteOTOH, though...how narcissistic of Rod to assume Roscoe was waiting with baited breath for him and him only. Maybe the pooch loves to be with wifey and kids, too. I mean really.
Rod assumes that because rod has a rich life, silly
DeleteSpeaking of rich life, I never realized until someone beat me over the head with this carefully staged picture the way a butcher might take you out with a leg of mutton that Rod was a super-duper readerly religious reader of books.
DeleteSee, because, like a child, everyone needs cartoon guidance, let me break the advertisement down for all the drooling morons hunching their way past this comment:
- Top of frame: heavy duty reading glasses, for those Big Ideas (whether he actually gets them right or not)
- Big Stack-O-Books: because only someone with a small intellectual penis needs to stage his reading for the public to "prove" it
- Religious prayer beads in what appears to be quality stone casually draped and descending because - did I mention it? Rod & God are like this, man, probably closer than you & God are, IJS.
Me, I don't see why he didn't just have a 6 foot cardboard Fathead Jesus made up, grinning into the camera as it gives a big thumbs up with its right hand while holding up a copy of TLWORL with its left. To make sure all the folks in the cheap seats get it, too, you see.
Keith
Keith, that pic is gag-inducing. Also sick-making. Parson me while I puke. :p
DeleteNothing against any of those books (or books like them) but I would feel better about Dreher if there were an airport detective novel, gun book, Camaro magazine, or something fun like that in that stack. It would make him look just a little bit human or (ahem) a little bit like a guy.
DeleteSeems to me either he's trying way too hard to impress, or his "reading" is purely for the sake of vanity.
Pik, that's my point entirely. That stack was composed by an interior designer, not a genuine reader. Even if the interior happens to be the pseudo-reader's imagination of what a devoted religious reader's stack of books ought to be.
DeletePoor Dreher's life is little more than a clumsily scripted artificial role decorated with hapless human as well as bibliographic props.
Keith
That stack was composed by an interior designer, not a genuine reader.
DeleteOh my gosh, so true. It could be an inset pic from a shelter magazine. Southern Living -- "Designing Your Icon Corner" with inset showing "what to put on your occasional table next to your icon corner."
Just skimming... what's the deal with Grand Rapids? Weird that I've been up there once a week for the last 2 months and suddenly Dreher is there, too. Is he stalking me?
ReplyDeleteAlso... that picture looks like a Simpsons character come to life. Butt ugly.
He got another TLWORL speaking engagement. With the paperback release of TLWORL coming up on 4/15, look out for Ruthie to pop up just about anywhere, maybe even as an interpretive character in one of Dante's circles written in by the remaining living one himself.
DeleteIf he can pimp his son in order to serve up a video of Neil DeGrasse Tyson made to look silly in order to boost a Walker Percy vs, science post, a Beatrice-meets-Ruthie can't be far away.
Keith
did he get a gig from acton institute? just so I know who to ignore in future
DeleteI don't know who sponsored him, just that it was in GR or thereabouts.
DeleteKeith
He did say that he got a pile of books from them. Makes you wonder...could they be the publisher of his Dante regurgitation?
DeleteHis hobby horse for today seems to be Stanford University and the $5600 they are charging for security at a lecture being given on campus. He takes umbrage that the University would dare to charge student groups for security at events they hold on campus.
ReplyDeletePerhaps he is just too lazy to take a look, but if the website is any indication it would seem that the local county sheriff is in charge of the university department of public safety, and as such it is the taxpayers who are providing security for these events. Apparently Rod feels that the taxpayers should foot the bill for every student assembly, whether they are partying or listening to a speaker. I have to wonder if the taxpayers there might disagree with him.
Ah, but there again, this is just his notebook and not serious journalism. It's not fair to hold him to any kind of standard of accuracy or due diligence
Maybe Dreher was hoping to go on a TLWORL college tour. But no chance of that if his publisher has to add security costs to the negative net it's already suffering from the book.
DeleteDreher's at it again with his anger towards Catholic Bishops http://www.theamericanconservative.com/dreher/the-wrathful-fred-phelps/
ReplyDeleteI guess this passage:
DeleteNo wrath is more poisonous than the wrath that comes from righteous judgment — I mean, judgment passed on people who really have done terrible wrong. I am reminded of how my wrath at the Catholic bishops over the abuse scandal ate away at my faith like sulfuric acid. It wasn’t that the bishops were undeserving of the wrath of the faithful. I believe they were, and that many of them escaped justice, in this life at least. Yet I also believe that the wrath I could not suppress, because to do so felt like a betrayal of the victims, did those bishops exactly no harm, but nearly destroyed me spiritually. It’s not so much that wrath hid my sins from me in this case (though it certainly might have done) as that it blinded me to the long-term costs to my soul of tendering its white-hot fire in my heart with bellows-blast of fresh indignation.
from that Dreher piece displays the careful craft of a professional writer these days. It makes my head hurt to figure out what in the wide wide world of sports it is supposed to mean, tho.
P.S. On further reflection, that passage conveys the thought "Catholic Church = bad" to the typical TAC trained seal. In which case, he gets his point across perfectly. Look for the payload inside the wrapper, as Keith has taught us.