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Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Keith to launch Catholic newsletter to sell The Keith Project™

Readers of this blog have known from the beginning, possibly to the secret dismay of my co-bloggers, that I'm not Catholic, only a bad, frequently lapsed cradle Methodist. I'm neither proud nor ashamed of that fact, it just is what it is.

But I'm understandably excited to discover that, in this Internet age of quick cyber-linking, there's no reason at all I can't use a Catholic newsletter as a vehicle wrapper to sell my beloved Keith Project.

The model for my inspiration is the new The Benedict Post launched just this month by a secret blogger I'll call Muzhik from now on for want of a better name. Most of the time I'll also refer to that blog as Benny instead, for two reasons.

The main reason is obvious: when I or any of my co-bloggers or anyone else for that matter refers to a post by St. Benedict, none of us wants to be cannily roped into the trap of inadvertently shilling for Muzhik's blog (this is the same reason the people at Roget's Thesaurus gave me when I suggested the growing popularity of "keith" as a synonym for "good").

The other reason is that the effusive, profane peppy tone of Benny reminds me of nothing so much as Lena Dunham's very similar new newsletter, Lenny.


But Keith, you ask, how can you, a non-Catholic, possibly launch a Catholic newsletter? And what is The Keith Project?

First things first: nothing to it.

Like, well, sort of like a cowbird laying its eggs in another bird's nest to be raised as its own, in the age of the Internet it will be nothing for me to scrounge together enough Catholic-related links to create the sort of Big Lots of Catholicism Muzhik has just launched.

And even better, as the one controlling that artificial compendium, I get to choose what gets emphatically placed as some kind of regular feature, in this case my beloved Keith Project which everyone is talking about, in a way that it draws prestige and gravitas from the Catholicism surrounding it.

But, Keith, you persist, what about those who would accuse you of not being Catholic?

Who says I'm not Catholic? Oh, right; I did. Okay, then, maybe I'll need to get a secret Muzhik of my own, Catholic, Jehovah's Witness, vegetarian, whatever. Wait a minute. No, I won't. I'll just do this and this instead:



Just look at The Keith Post and what will you see? Wall to wall Catholicism, as far as the eye can see, and at deep, deep discounted prices! So much for "conspiracy theorists" saying "we", The Keith Post, isn't Catholic!

But I'm not there yet. I'm still going to have to master hurling breathless, exclamatory tweets like an M2 spitting rounds down range. Like these:

"The latest edition of The Benedict Post is out!"

"For the evening crowd, here's the new edition of The Benedict Post"

"If you missed this week's edition yesterday, here it is"

"If you enjoy our newsletter, you can subscribe via email"

Christ and the saints would be jazzed, don't you think? Especially because, unlike the money changers in the temple, it's free!

But once I master that ShamWow tweeting style, I can then seamlessly blend in my own promotions and explainers (see cowbird eggs, above) whenever I want. Here's how Muzhik does it:


My version: sure, #KeithProject calls for talking your wife into letting you install a Sony XBR-85X950B 4K TV in your garage man cave. But a TV carries many channels. Think about it.

Okay, Keith, you continue to whine, irritatingly, but why a Catholic newsletter? Why not a Hollywood gossip newsletter or a model airplane newsletter?

What do you have against Catholics? Are you anti-Catholic? (Again, see cowbird, above.) How dare you question The Keith Post, effusively overflowing with Catholicism and only regular, periodic promotions and explainers about my beloved Keith Project! How dare you!

See how that works? Can't do that with a Hollywood gossip or a model airplane newsletter, nopers.Well, maybe a cowbird could.

But, finally, I'm going to have to line up some cronies to help me shill this thing



Anyone? Beuller?

Remember, in The Keith Project there are many channels.

And, you know, if you're moved to donate, too, I can set up a tax-deductible thingy like, snap!
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2 comments:

  1. DianeJuly 29, 2015 at 11:04 AM

    Bwahahaha! Posting at FB. Stay tuned for silly attack from my friend trad David Smith.

    ReplyDelete
  2. PauliJuly 29, 2015 at 11:37 AM

    Ensuring orthodoxy in politics is part and parcel of it.

    Ahhhh -- I get it. "Political Orthodoxy" (PO) is the Benedict Option version of Political Correctness.

    We'll pass.

    ReplyDelete