Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Geometric Purity Fail

by Pauli

The dispenser on the refrigerator where I work is labeled Ice Cubes. But you could hardly call what came out when I pushed the lever "cubes". They would be best described as "the round half of a semi-circle."

They were CINOs: Cubes In Name Only.

Sure they functioned as ice, chilling my cola thoroughly. But I kept thinking "Why aren't you cubes like you say you are? Do you just want to fit in the round glass better and that is why you've compromised on your shape? And how will we ever restore the French Monarchy?" I didn't voice these thoughts aloud like I wanted to; someone might have walked in the kitchen and heard me. But I don't think the faux cubes would have cared. They were too busy smiling at each other like Cheshire cats: "Look how cool we all are!"

I looked at the glass filled with cola and phony cubes for what seemed like a minute but was actually only about fifty-seven seconds, give or take a few. Finally I made a firm decision. I fished out each of the phony cubes with a spoon and threw them in the sink. It was a stainless steel spoon made in the USA, not one of those new plastic ones that only looks like it's made of metal.

Satisfied that I had made the right decision, I picked up my partially flat cola and returned to my cube. As usual, I couldn't help noticing as I entered my cube that it is actually rectangular and missing two sides.


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Posted by Pauli at 10/26/2011 04:22:00 PM

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8 comments:

  1. pikkumattiOctober 26, 2011 at 5:59 PM

    The problem with those faux "cubes" is that they melt too fast when hot tea is poured on them. Without making the tea all that cold . . . .

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  2. TomOctober 26, 2011 at 9:23 PM

    As with so many things, the Japanese are way ahead of us on ice cube technology.

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  3. PauliOctober 26, 2011 at 9:45 PM

    The problem with those faux "cubes" is that they melt too fast when hot tea is poured on them.

    This is no different than cubic ice which loses it shape even quicker. Best not to try to hijack someone else's weird analogy.

    ReplyDelete
  4. pikkumattiOctober 26, 2011 at 11:05 PM

    You're right. I'm sure the cubes are just as cold as one another. It's just that the tea is hotter in some places than in others.

    (This is starting to sound like that creepy scene in Spartacus when Olivier talks about snails and oysters . . . )

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  5. PauliOctober 27, 2011 at 12:10 AM

    Re: Spartacus: I never made it that far. I think I watched it for about 15 minutes.

    ReplyDelete
  6. kathleenOctober 27, 2011 at 10:14 AM

    Did you line up your CINO's, cluck your tongue and bitch about how pathetic they all are? Did you rail against the establishment ice maker that spewed forth these pathetic CINOs? Did you try to destroy each CINO by by pitting them one against the other, throwing them in an ice bucket and shaking extra hard? Did you reject the most prominent CINO by proclaiming it an "affable clown"? I know you did.

    ReplyDelete
  7. pikkumattiOctober 27, 2011 at 7:39 PM

    Actually, kathleen, the semi-circular faux cubes are Big, Global, New, and Abstract. While the truly cubic cubes, like the ones that come out of the metal ice cube trays (never plastic), are Small, Local, Old, and Particular.

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  8. PauliOctober 27, 2011 at 8:18 PM

    Yes, Kathleen, you know I did all those things. And I know that I was RIGHT to do all these things. And do you know how I know I was right? Because it made me feel good, that's why. I didn't even have to use my mind at all, and it came so naturally.

    ReplyDelete

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