The Dante Diet
Recently, in concert with promoting a possible future book deal on the subject, Rod Dreher has been treating us to the myriad benefits of all things Dante, including his miraculous healing in mysterious ways not yet specified from a persistent, medically diagnosed case of viral mononucleosis, the "kissing disease".
This is heady news, so following this revelation the EQE laboratories have been working night and day to uncover other benefits of reading Dante that Mr. Dreher in his current ecstatic state might understandably neglect to blog himself:
- Reading Dante will reveal your interest in Italian literature.
- Reading Dante will increase your regular unleaded gas mileage by 13.7 per cent. Premium users, however, should expect no more than a 9.3 per cent benefit.
- Sometime after reading Dante, you will receive a phone call from someone you like.
- Reading Dante will increase your breasts one cup size and restore that youthful, "perky" look. Be sure this is what you really want.
- After reading Dante, call toll free before digging.
- Reading Dante will correct your cardiac arhythmia by replacing it with terza rima.
- Do not read Dante while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment.
- Reading Dante will cause bread placed in your oven to turn brown.
- Reading Dante is not an offer to sell securities.
- Reading Dante will slow the rise of the oceans and heal the planet.
- Reading Dante contains no trans fats.
- Reading Dante will remove that persistent tummy bulge.
- Reading Dante could increase your tax refund, if you're the sort of person who lends the government money interest-free.
- Reading Dante provides 25 per cent of the daily recommended amount of antioxidants, nutrients and vitamins.
- Reading Dante will prevent the Cowboys from choking on the eve of the playoffs.
- Reading Dante will cause the woman next to you at closing time to resemble Beatrice.
- After reading Dante, you must be present to win.
- Reading Dante helps with slow intestinal transit time.
- Reading Dante could cause you to suddenly accelerate to exhilarating speeds.
- Sometime after reading Dante, you will have a dream about someone you know.
- Reading Dante contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients.
- Reading Dante does not carry cash.
- Reading Dante will restore the imbalance of both positive and negative ions in your body the natural way.
- Reading Dante is not affiliated with the American Red Cross.
- Reading Dante will reveal that your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.
- Benefits of reading Dante are subject to change without notice.
- Reading Dante is provided "as is" without any warranties.
- If rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue reading Dante.
