Catching up with Caspar and Lonnie

In which we discover that Lonnie has the power of exorcism. You really need to read the whole thing, but here's an excerpt which I was going to comment on:

"Well, I think it started because old Pastor Moses didn't like that you started casting demons out of people. Besides preaching, you had the gift of exorcism. You were a demon buster. I remember one time especially. There came a young lady who had been dabbling in witchcraft for years. She had invited seven different spirits to inhabit her. At first they probably gave her clairvoyant abilities that astounded her friends. Demons always offer something to entice a human. It is not until later they started controlling and tormenting her, as demons always come to do. They always hate the people they inhabit. But somehow or another she came to the church one night. You don't recall it, Lonnie? When you told them to come out of her, at first they caused a big commotion. Exorcisms can be messy affairs and shocking to watch happen. But they finally popped out of her and couldn't reenter. They were ever so angry that they were forced to leave the poor woman. She was set free from their grip. Then they looked up at the ceiling and saw me clinging there, looking down at them. They were shocked to see that a gargoyle was guarding the place. I gave them a big raspberry, and they fled the scene."

This reminds me of a funny story told by a newly-ordained Oratorian priest. He was having dinner with a group of my friends circa 1997. Because we were all YUCIs (Young Urban Catholic Intellectuals) he was regaling us with funny Catholic stories. That is, stories about funny Catholics.

One was about a woman who always came up to him after he celebrated daily Mass to perform the important service of telling him what was wrong with the church architecture, or what was wrong with him, or how spiritual she herself was. One time she told him she had an apparition of the Blessed Virgin Mary. He decided to have the following conversation with her at that point.

"Did you spit at the apparition?" the priest inquired.

"Excuse me?" replied the spiritual lady, no doubt shocked that the young priest would suggest such a blasphemous act, not to mention being oblivious to the impressiveness of her revelation.

"I asked you if you had spit at the apparition. You see, if it truly was an apparition of Our Lady, spitting would not have harmed it. Whereas if the apparition were actually demonic in nature — as is sometimes the case — your spit would banish it immediately. That's why St. John told the early Christians to test the spirits. If it happens again, spit at it. You won't offend Our Lady; she'll know why you are doing it."

This exchange had the two intended effects. The primary effect was, of course, the instructing of the ignorant, one of the spiritual works of mercy. The other effect was that the woman never bothered him after Mass ever again.

No doubt this parting of two people with different spiritual offerings was a blessing for the Church. This is often the case, as in the story of the parting of Paul and Barnabas in Acts chapter 15. Father continued to celebrate Mass for the spiritual lady every day, and the spiritual lady no doubt begged Our Lord and every saint she knew like crazy for this priest's conversion. That's called a win-win. It's a big Church, and we all help each other get to Heaven.