Why are Bill and Melinda Gates getting divorced?

Some people think that the close quarters caused by the COVID lockdowns are responsible for the demise of Bill and Melinda Gates's marriage. Others point out that if you spell divorce backwards, you can see the letters COVID pretty clearly. And Bill Gates has defintely had an unhealthy obsession with COVID, and no, this is not only a rightwing conspiracy.

But I believe that it is a different obsession which caused his wife to leave him. It is his obsession with human feces. Everywhere Gates goes he carries a jar of poop with him. And in November of 2018, he gave a well publicized talk with his pet poop right there next to him in a glass jar, speculating about what sort of diseases might be residing within the mineral-rich substance.

"This small amount of feces," Gates said, brandishing the jar of excrement, "could contain as many as 200 trillion rotavirus cells, 20 billion shigella bacteria and 100,000 parasitic worm eggs."

The audience had to appreciate that vivid description. And they were so grateful to be able to view Bill's actual stool sample. Visualizing human dung, as if it were something a person saw every day or two, can be a challenge. Good thing he was "brandishing" it, as NPR noted.

A prized sample from the Gates Foundation's ever-growing collection of human excrement.

People, this is not a molded foam poop emoji that someone like me might or might not have in their top desk drawer to relieve stress by squeezing. This is not even a picture of "Poop from Heaven" which one of my kids might or might not have drawn when he was six-and-a-half.

This is actual poop and it is inside a jar and you can see it. Not like the shoebox which I had in the garage because I was too lazy to come in the house and that my wife found later and didn't want to talk to me for a few days afterward.

By the way, speaking of wives in general. Women do not understand men's obsession with human dung and the production thereof. That is why I have to figure that Melinda finally cracked. Allegedly, she is some type of Catholic, and so when Pope Francis used the word coprophilia it must have struck home.

This theory could all be wrong. It might be that Melinda could no longer hide the fact that she prefers iPhones to the Microsoft POS phone that Bill got for her last Christmas, and this is a huge problem for him. But I still think it is more likely that Bill's obsession with literal Pieces Of Sh*t is a bigger problem for her. However maybe the two go together; this is the guy who got rich selling this stuff.

Here we go again!

"Meet George and Harold..."

Uh, not that I APPROVE of such gross potty humor (cough, cough). Although I did point out that the pear in the painting at Panera looked like it had butt cheeks. (Well it did!) Then two of my kids recited this entire rap. I'm not sure everyone in Panera appreciated the performance. That place really has gotten less crowded since our mostly prepubescent male family started eating a Sunday brunch there, though.


I've only read three of the infamous Dav Pilkey's books, so I'm not an expert. The plots are generally less fantastic than the contrivance behind the Bourne Legacy, a film I thoroughly enjoyed despite the lack of any villains as dangerous as Talking Toilets or Professor Poopypants.

Just so you know for future reference, if you snap your fingers around Mr. Krupp, the mean school principal, he turns into Captain Underpants. But if you throw water on Captain Underpants's head he reverts to Mr. Krupp. The principal seemingly has no idea of the existence of his much cooler alter-ego who wears a window curtain as a cape and has no use for the principal's cheap toupée.

One more thing: Remember that Professor Poopypants changed his name to Tippy Tinkletrousers so people would stop making fun of him.