Daphne now lives in Boca Raton...

"...with her third husband, a retired orthopedic surgeon." Of course she does! Hilarious. Dan Meth scores again with this "Where are they now" bit for the "cast" of Scooby Doo.

Almost forgot about this tune

Green Haze by Elvis Hitler.



How could I forget about Elvis Hitler or Green Haze? I think what happens is my brain tries to clean itself out every once in awhile and attempts to toss memories of the thousands of songs like this one. Then I come storming in unshaven and wearing a wife-beater tank top, shouting, "What are you throwing that out for? Are you crazy? I need that stuff!" My brain gives in with a heavy sigh and says "Just go put it on your stupid blog and be done with it."

How "Gun Free Zones" work

Do not try this at home. Or anywhere else.



I repeat: do not try this at home.

View from my Desk Chair

Working lunch today, people. And now I'm blogging during my digestion time. Isn't that efficient of me?

The sandwich is sliced ham and orangish-yellow cheese and green lettuce on some kind of wheat bread. The tiniest bit of mayonnaise topped it off. (Warning: you might vomit if you read that link with a full stomach.)

The yogurt is Oikos brand Greek Yogurt with some type of fruit flavor. The color was orange so I think the flavor was as well.

Topped off with a Lake Erie Highball on the rocks.

So... what are all y'all eating? Keith, I'm hoping nothing strange has flown into your mouth recently, no antelope heart tartare or perhaps Iron Man's kneecap?

View From My Chair

This was the view from my chair at Panera today. This is not the "view from my table". The "view from my table" would be my bulging eyes and drooling mouth. So I don't know why anyone would want to see that.

So we can see on the right the Spinach Power Salad which is comprised of "Fresh baby spinach, roasted mushrooms and onion blend, diced eggs, applewood-smoked bacon, frizzled onions & smoky Vidalia® onion vinaigrette." On the left is a cup of Low Fat Vegetable Soup with Pesto which allegedly contains "water, tomatoes, yellow wax beans, zucchini, onions, barley [may contain wheat], cauliflower, red bell pepper, Swiss chard, seasoning [modified corn starch, sugar, autolyzed yeast extract, salt, onion powder, garlic powder, natural flavors], tomato concentrate [roasted tomatoes and tomato paste, salt, sugar, natural flavoring, and cilantro], tomato paste, basil), basil pesto (basil, canola oil, water, romano cheese [pasteurized cow's milk, cheese cultures, salt, enzymes, powdered cellulose], extra virgin olive oil, chopped garlic and salt."

I washed it all down with a small plastic cup of water with a lemon and three non-cubic ice cubes. You can see the cup in the background with that cute, black plastic swizzle straw. The food tasted pretty good and cost $8.40.

I know you guys were simply dying to see this. So you're welcome.

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Mr. Moonbones shreds R2P

When I want some dark humor, I wander over to the Lunar Ossuary where Oengus Moonbones never fails to disappoint, offering gems like Winning the War of R2P.

Winning the War of R2P

Shock and awe them with our Tolerance,
Overwhelm them with our Diversity
Then smash 'em with our Sensitivity.
We’ll show 'em how Progressive we do be.

Free speech for me but not for thee
Such double standards we all can see
We learnt at Open Minded University
Along with other strange perversity.

For we must not offend the R.O.P.
Nor our Saudi masters overseas;
They own the oil spigot, don't you see?
So let us all visualize whorled peas,

And shock and awe them with our Tolerance,
Overwhelm them with our Diversity
Then smash 'em with our Sensitivity.
We’ll show 'em how Progressive we do be.

Love it. Maybe these guys should use this as a marching hymn?

The epitome of 'epic'

Why is this so funny? Why do I keep watching it? And where is Yoda when you need him? or Samuel L Jackson for that matter?

A letter from Bishop Joseph Goebbels

Pretty apro-freaking-pos, methinks.

From Bishop Joseph Goebbels D.D.

I am writing on behalf of the Church of Adolf Hitler (pbuh), formerly known as the Nazi Party.

Having decided to transform ourselves into a religion, we have abandoned all worldly ambitions, and intend to concentrate on our higher spiritual objectives of non-violent global conquest, compassionate enslavement of inferior peoples, and peaceful extermination of the Jews.

Since we are now a religion rather than a political movement, we demand the following rights and privileges appropriate to our new identity:

- An end to Naziphobia in the media, especially war films showing the Nazis in a bad light.

- Tax exemption for all places of worship including airfields, munitions factories, extermination camps etc.

- Destruction of all blasphemous cartoons of Adolf Hitler(pbuh) produced in the Second World War.

- An apology from the British government for the campaign of Naziphobia waged by Winston Churchill, and the hurt feelings inflicted on the Afrika Korps at El Alamein by the Naziphobic bigot Montgomery.

- An apology from the American government for the insensitivity by the raging Naziphobe Eisenhower in failing to forewarn Nazi community leaders of the D-Day landings, which caused much distress among the peaceloving Nazis holidaying in Northern France.

- Burning 'Mein Kampf' must become a hate crime punishable by hanging with piano wire.

- Application of our parallel legal system known as 'The Gestapo' must be enforced in so-called 'democratic' countries.

- We demand affirmative action, in the interests of community cohesion, to promote Nazis to high positions in the security services.

- We demand government funding for the expansion of our youth activities, which play a vital role in keeping the younger generation out of trouble, and concentrate their minds on wholesome activities such as rallies, processions, camps, pogroms etc.

- The occasional Blitzkrieg invasions of sovereign states must not be portrayed in the media as being typical of Nazis as a whole, since this leads to Naziphobia. Rather they must be shown to be the work of a tiny minority of extremists who have hijacked a peaceful spiritual movement.

Peace in our time and Heil Hitler!
- Bishop Joseph Goebbels

What do you think?

Funny? Scary?

What do you think? Jonathan? Bueller? Anyone? Bueller?

"I'm at the tip of the spear...fresh to death"

I find stuff like this terribly funny, in a dark way of course. Basically there are 3 ways to react to modern superficiality: resist it, give in to it via inertia or write a book based on your mastery of it. Here are too excerpts I found hilarious:

No matter what T-shirt you select, whether it's fitted, graphic, sequined, bedazzled, crew-neck, deep-V, wifebeater, or what-have-you, it's about being proud of who you are. If you want to bust out a deep-V that's safety-cone orange because you think that's your color, then wear the hell out of that fruity shirt so everybody in the club knows that nobody owns it like you do. Set the trends, don't follow them. I wear what makes me feel good because I'm at the tip of the spear—the cutting edge of fashion that's fresh to death. When I see something I like, I grab it. My only system when I shop for fresh apparel is my own primal reaction to what I see, the moment I see it. When I enter a store, I trust my eye to zero in on what's mint. That's the single most effective system I have for knowing when to pull the trigger on a purchase. If I find myself hemming and hawing, that's a clear indication that the garment in question is not destined to make my rotation. I walk away from the rack because I've failed to make a connection to those threads. On the other hand, if I know from the moment I see it that that particular piece is going to make me look awesome, I trust my instinct completely and it comes home with The Sitch.

This next part made me laugh out loud uncontrollably. I doesn't really matter whether these guys are serious or pretending to be. It's the quintessence of self-importance.

One day at the mall, my boys and I decided to pop into The Cheesecake Factory for a quick bite. There was a mob scene of patrons waiting inside the doors so I had my good friend, The Unit, go inside to check on the availability of a table. By the way, The Unit, who was my college roommate, is almost always at my side. He has got mad game all his own and there's not doubt that America will be seeing much more of him very shortly. So, The Unit approached the hostess and said, "Look, I've got The Situation with me. Do you have any tables?" She seemed physically pained by the predicament The Unit was putting her in. She said, "Y'know, it's a ninety-minute wait. He's a very recognizable face. If we bring him in here ahead of all these people who have been waiting for so long, it would no doubt cause a lot of animosity and might be viewed in a very negative light for both the restaurant and for The Situation. That being said, we'll do the best we can."

The Unit. Too much, really. Almost makes me embarrassed to own testicles. Almost.

Someone emailed this to me

Pretty funny picture. The subject title is NEW FALL HAT: Acorn cap with the nut still attached.

A Dose of Lunarity

I was thinking, "What do I want to look at on the old internets before I retire this fine Sunday evening?" Then I applied the ol' V8 slap. "Of course, some Danse Macabre from one of my favorite bloggers, Oengus Moonbones!" Excerpt:

"Well, how's it going today, Charon?" Cerberus asked. "Meh," said Charon after taking a drag on his smoke, "I had a busy day. What a crowd." Cerberus, knowing Charon well and looking past his phony reticence, sensed that he wanted to tell a story. Charon can be very talkative when he feels like it. "Well, what happened? Tell me," said Cerberus as he sat on his haunches, listening as he wagged his tail. Tossing the butt away into the slimy Acheron river, Charon leaned on his oar and began talking: "Rock stars! What can you do about them?...."

That's a teaser, read the rest. The man cracks me up.